Last Friday it was the first night of leaving drinks for my longest friend here in HK. I met him after I’d been here for a couple of weeks and we’ve been mates ever since. Through thick and thin. Anyway, he’s moving back to London at the end of the month. So Friday night started at a bar near work, with loads of people from work and a 7k bill.

Later on, just four of us headed up to Lan Kwai Fong. Four turned into three just after we got out of the cab as one of the lads had lost his phone and decided to go home. We met up with three others and had a few vodka jellies and some champagne. Then, one half of the Naughty Chinese Dorae turned up with two friends, both nice, one lovely. They were clearly on the prowl and not interested in hanging out in, erm, Hardy’s (check out the male toilet refurb!). Anyway, later, Gunther and I decided to go to join them in Mes Amis, where we stayed for ages having drinks and banter. Gunther disappeared - I thought he’d gone home, but an hour or so later he reappeared like a phoenix from the ashes. I spent most of my time asking the half of the Naughty Chinese Dorae if she was in The Mile High Club (she’s cabin crew for an airline) - apparently she’s not in the club, but has caught people shagging in the cabin crew sleeping quarters. After popping into Dusk ‘Till Dawn for a while, we left to go home. The lovely friend, who had just told me she lived alone, asked me if I would take her home. Erm, OK then! Game on Martin! However, the half of the Naughty Chinese Dorae was telling me not to waste my time, that it would be just a cab ride there and back. No way!

She was right. Taxi to Junk Bay, kiss on the cheek, see you later. So I found myself in Junk Bay, in the glaring sunshine, needing a piss. Apparently 7-11s don’t have toilets. Or so the woman said. So, a bit of sneaky bush action and home for 7am. Gutting.

We had exchanged numbers though and she called me twice on Saturday. Once before midday. Are you mad!? I’m probably still drunk. Not 100% sure what I said on the phone to her, but it was probably something to do with her underwear. There must have been some back-channel communications, because later I got a text from the half of the Naughty Chinese Dorae, who told me:

Don’t be too naughty with her. She is not the kinda gal that is ‘funloving’

Riiiiiiight. So is she a prude?

She is looking for a bf, not a fuck or a cock to suck.

So lyrical. Then:

If u want to get with her, be prepared to enjoy taxi rides back n forth to Junk Bay and loads of shopping.

Hmmmmmmmmmmm. Am I ready for this sort of effort?

I had a conversation with FEASTAD about this:

16:05:43 Mon <FEASTAD> ah that type…
16:06:03 Mon <Shaky> so, are you that type?
16:06:10 Mon <Shaky> I don’t think so … but you never know…
16:06:25 Mon <FEASTAD> i don’t know. i have friends like that. that can really put a hole in your wallet
16:06:45 Mon <FEASTAD> me. i am the financially independent type
16:06:45 Mon <FEASTAD> my mom say i’m stupid
16:06:52 Mon <Shaky> heh
16:06:56 Mon <FEASTAD> she thinks guys should pay for everything
16:07:00 Mon <Shaky> hmmmmmm
16:09:17 Mon <FEASTAD> my thinking is, if the guy pays for everything… it doesn’t mean the girl doesn’t have to pay. not with money but in other ways…

I love her. She’s getting back to me with examples.

So, back to Take Me Home Safely High Maintenance Doris. She’s 31, pretty, lovely figure and and works in finance. From what I remember we had a good old chat. Very nice girl. I’ve not called her back yet. Got to wait the six days.

Mike: So how long do I wait to call?
Trent: A day.
Mike: Tomorrow.
Sue: Tomorrow, then a day.
Trent: Yeah.
Mike: So two days?
Trent: Yeah, I guess you could call it that, two days.
Sue: Definitely, two days is like industry standard.
Trent: You know I used to wait two days to call anybody, but now it’s like everyone in town waits two days. So I think three days is kind of money. What do you think?
Sue: Yeah, but two’s enough not to look anxious.
Trent: But I think three days is kind of money. You know because you…
Mike: Yeah, but you know what, mabey I’ll wait 3 weeks. How’s that? And tell her I was cleaning out my wallet and I just happened to run into her number.
Charles: Then ask her where you met her.
Mike: Yeah, I’ll ask her where I met her. I don’t remember. What does she look like? And then I’ll asked if we fucked. Is that… would that be… T, would that be the money?
Trent: You know what. Ha ha ha Mike, laugh all you want but if you call too soon you might scare off a nice baby who’s ready to party.
Mike: Well how long are you guys gonna wait to call your babies?
Trent, Sue: Six days.

I’ll break before that.

Quite a large weekend.

Started off with some pre-party arrrrls in Exchange Square. A few too many really as I forgot to go to my department Christmas party. Not a big loss though. I did head up to another department’s party, where I, erm, felt FEASTAD’s arse and stomach. Gutted, she was wearing big pants. Devastated. I did, however, find out that she is now no longer attached. No spark apparently. Sooooooooooooooooooo…..

We adjourned to another bar where the numbers thinned out. In the end, it was just me and Gunther, who decided to buy Santa outfits (the Santafest outfits for Saturday, be we were a day early). Ended up in Wan Chai, where we met another couple of mates who had been at another Christmas party. Their theme was “Back To School”, so they were dressed as school boys. Two Santas and two school boys eating curry. A normal HK night out.

Home with Gunther to watch the Patrick Stewart episode of Extras. I woke at 7.30am half-sitting-half-lying on the sofa. I sat up, switched the TV off and saw a couple of Santa’s legs over by the kitchen. Yep, Gunther asleep on the floor.

Later, in my own bed, I was awoken by Gunther, who is not entirely technically adept, attempting to watch my new TV. He couldn’t get the picture, just the sound. Very loud sound. He then SMS’d me to see if I was awake. Of course I am now!

A couple of other lads came round and we headed over to the HK Stadium to buy 7s tickets. We then attempted to have a Leo in LKF, but it fell flat due to to much wanking talk and general tireness.

Home for a kip then back out dressed as Santa for Santafest in LKF. I was way too tired so was home by 1am ish. We did get Last Christmas on the jukebox though.

Some topics discussed over the weekend included:

Can you suck your own knob?
Have you ever tried?
A yacht trip on Christmas Eve, full of birds doing tequila body shots.
Do you prefer one looooong wank, or 3 or 4 separate shorte wanks?

Some pics:

Hasselhoff Santa.
A bit of a mess.
The Santa Choir.
Santa/Imperial Guard.

Sorry, I forgot about this. Remember this? Well that was from a weekend when Jimmy Two Times visited HK on one of his HKLW (Hong Kong Long Weekenders). Below is his debrief email and some more photos at the bottom.

You sir, are a force of nature, if not a loose cannon. The last I saw of you was in The Bridge, when you announced “I want some really big tits” and dissappeared. I left at 8.30, and it was still going strong, what a place.

Lessons are learned every trip, all helping to help pare down the art form that is the perfect long weekender…

Things I learned this time:

1) The staff at the Cosmopolitan Hotel don’t give a damn who you bring back to your room.

2) Ask for a room with the stadium view, not the graveyard non-view.

3) Buying two airport express tickets from the booth rather than the machine costs less.

4) Arriving on Thursday and leaving Monday is not the best way, as we were too tired from Saturday and the Sunday Roast to appreciate the last night properly. Arriving Friday, leaving Tuesday is better, still takes 4 nights, but we can Roast, chill on Sunday evening, bit of shopping, before raring it up on Monday night, when there are more girls out anyway as there is less competition.

5) Having said that, perhaps an extra day is in order? I really wanted to stay longer…

6) Dont peak too early, but dont peak too late! Learned this through experience this time and last time too. Don’t go with the first girl who is hot.. go with the first girl who is really hot, does it for you, and is friendly and you get on with. Having found such a gob smacking girl… stick to her! Don’t abandon her to try to find somebody who is better, because you could leave it too late, as I did, then having to settle for a beautiful girl with no electricity, and leave with her just as your first choice walks back in…. Arrrrrghh!

7) Visit lots of bars. I used to know this, but these days tend to stick to Fenwicks or Neptunes, whereas in reality there are cuties all over the shop. Even New Makati, which was described by Whacko as “pretty dire”, had its fare share of hotties. With a particular penchant for boots of all persuasions, from knee to thigh..

On no account visit a girly bar with Shaky. Self explanatory.

9) Filipino girls dont like thai girls, which I didnt know. On thursday two girls chatting with a mate tried to convince me that my thai girl was a bloke, whereas I thought that any girl in any bar in Wanchai will not be a she-male, they are not allowed in. She retaliated by getting my mate to dump his girls and meet her thai mate in Banana’s on the grounds that her friend was better looking. To be fair, she was. Better looking that is, not a bloke.

10) The Sunday Roast is all it is cracked up to be and more. You don’t have to talk to a off duty maid to pull her, just looking at her will do the trick. Enter us. Met a gorgeous indonesian girl, well cute, wearing a tiny pair of shorts. Couldn’t believe the scene at Laguna. My mates missed out on a very good thing…

11) Thai girls have the best skin, closely followed by Indonesian, with Filipino a poor runner up. Chinese/Hong Kong girls? I wish. Never had a look in… Should have talked to Barnaby’s girlfriend’s friend, she seemed cute. But I was drunk…

12) Convincing two girls to come back with you is apparently easier than it would seem. Convincing two girls to come back with you for free is also possible. All hail the mighty New Yorker and his New York skillz!

Shame we didnt get to hear “Lassie”, but it was not meant to be.

Heh, he’s back as a special guest at The MLCCC Christmas Luncheon. Already arranged and paid for after many rounds of menu negotiations. Yes, we want pigs in blankets (had to describe what they were) and sage and onion stuffing.

So, some pics. Potentially NSFW.

Now that’s a “What the hell is he doing” face. Caspar doing a bit of singing. And some more.

A bit of the singer.

More of the singer.

Hold on a mo, can you see her carpets? Yes, you can! Well we didn’t quite capture it on film, but it was already too late, we had seen everything. Including her nipple piercing.

And of course, finally, the girl in the boots.

Achtung Panzerrrrrrrrrrrr! Roll that ‘r’ for Indonesian model Tiara Lestari! Probably not very safe for work. [via Indocoup]

From Drama: “This could be the perfect Mrs. Shaky! You have so much in common. She’s a blogger and enjoys topless photos just like you!”

I love the perverts in the comments. E.g. this post. Ask me anything in the comments. Serious, nice questions, then:

DO YOU SWALLOW?? DO YOU SWALLOW???

Outrageous!

Erm, if Indocoup has taken his pic down, you can see it here. Careful. Def. not safe for work! Do you reckon she has extra hardware installed? Or should that be software?

PIAT? For shooting Panzers!