the fourth hole

Don’t ask why, but the other weekend I was asking the lads if they had ever, er, had “sex” by utilising their lady’s bent knee. Know what I mean? No? Neither did a lot of the lads.

Ah, I’ve got a bit of time, I’ll tell you where it came from.

Basically, Private Dancer Doris (PDD) went from being super horny, to, well, the opposite. Long story I guess, basically born from my proclivity for saying stupid fruity things all the time and general frustration due to lack of action caused by bad timing.

E.g. “I’m going to let you into a secret, just so we get to know each other a little better … I want to be on you.”

So, even though she has a slightly sordid past, deep down, she is a bit of a prude. Especially in public, which is my favourite place for a totally inappropriate comment. It annoys her. We had a long talk about it and basically all the “naughty jokes” turned her off.

As for bad timing, every time I went to visit her, or she visited me, there were toilet parts issues. Periods mainly, but the odd UTI. It was ridiculous! Month after month. So, geek that I am, I installed iWoman on my iPhone to do some tracking. From that I discovered that she also doesn’t like arranged sessions. She’s more of the spontaneous type. Which led to more frustrations, which led to more fruity comments from me, which led to more annoyance and turn offs, which led to even less sex, which led to …. ah well, you get me. Vicious circle. Any mention of anything sexual would trigger her “Ay naku!” response. Means something like “Oh my!” A general annoyed/frustrated saying I think.

Anyway, not too proud about this, and yes we should have tried to work it out or just ended it, and yes I’m an ass, but it all led to me playing away. With The Lady in White (LIW), so named because, I kinda mentioned it before – when Gunther and Robocop saw her for the first time she was dressed in a white cat-suit. They were agog.

She does have a stunning body. Anyway, I’ve known her for years and we’ve always kept in touch. I can’t recall if I have written about her before or not. Think I have. Will search later.

So I may have written this before. Forgive me. Turns out that the LIW knows PDD. One friend removed. That led to the woman scorned fury.

I did get a couple of warnings. One that I would definitely get caught. Matter of time. One that PDD would soon find out.

Firstly, my Apple TV shows photos from my iPhoto album when in screen-saver mode. The LIW was at my place and saw some photos of PDD on my TV. “I know her! I think.” Oh FFS. That’s karma.

Secondly, I met one of PDD’s friends in the gym and she asked me if I was still with PDD. Yes. Oh, I thought you had split up? No, why? Oh I just heard something. What? Doesn’t matter, I didn’t believe it, something about you and another girl.

Ah.

[Jeez- this is a long and personal story for a simple Family Guy YouTube link!]

Anyway, a couple of weeks later: the Woman Scorned. Wish I had kept the emails. I might still have them somewhere. Epic fury.

I admitted all. My boss thought I was mental. Said there is a saying in his family that even if you are caught in flagrante delicto on the church steeple, you still deny it. Forever.

Fast forward ….. break up. Fast forward a bit more …. attempted reconciliation. And now we get to the point of the story.

She came to visit for a week to try to sort things out. The week of the midget chase I think, maybe week after. Details. Detailssssssssss. Was her idea. But no sex. “You’re still in the dog-house.”

However we did get a little fruity, and here comes the knee. Spooning on the sofa watching a movie. You know, my mind wanders, things tumesce, well one thing. Really no sex? No. Sock cooking? No! Um, behind your knee? Umm. Oh go on:

My poor body, madam, requires it: I am driven on
by the flesh; and he must needs go that the devil drives.

Hmmmm ….. interesting! Needs must as the devil drives. Well that’s my excuse.

Hence the question to the lads. Was not really met with much enthusiasm!

Anyway, and finally I get to the reason for all this, I got home with one of the lads and decided to watch an episode of Family Guy. I have around 75 episodes and just picked one at random. In the first minute or so they mention The Fourth Hole. Yep, that’s it right there, right there in the back of the knee.

Serendipity.