Monthly Archive for February, 2009

A couple of weekends ago, I was out for a few refreshing afternoon lager beers with Gunther and The Touch in the Wan Chai

After a few hours, my wallet needed replenishing, so I popped around the corner to the bank. On the way, I passed a beggar. She was a midget (I think), with one leg ending at her knee – I mean she had a foot where her knee should have been. Anyway, I stopped to give her some change, however, while getting the change, I dropped my wallet, but didn’t notice.

I continued on to the bank where I discovered my lack of wallet. Instead of searching for it straight away, I went to my mates apartment for a sit-down-wee and called them back at the pub to see if I had left it there. Nope.

I searched for a bit, but gave up after a while. It was my Leo wallet, emptied of everything except ATM card and HKID. It had about $300 in, so all in all I wasn’t that fussed.

On the way back to the pub I actually asked the midget if she had seen my wallet. Noooooo she said.

Back at the pub, organised Gunther had HSBC on speed dial to cancel my card. The Touch asked my precise movements since leaving my seat to go to the bank and went off to do some Poirot shit. He came back a few mins later asking me to come with him, he’d found it! The midget was legging (oh, that’s good!) it, up the middle of the road on her crutches. She had the wallet according to the cigarette seller that Inspector Touch had interrogated.

We caught up with her and started asking for the wallet back. No police, you can keep the money, just want the cards really. Please? Miss? But she just kept shaking her head and carried on, er, hopping. Well she had crutches. Anyway, I was feeling weird, Benny Hill music in my head, people watching lads chasing a Dwarfess. So I started telling everyone what we were doing, sort of fast walking after the midget commentating on what we were doing so people would know. A guy came out of a bar to try to help with some Cantonese. He didn’t get anywhere, but he said he thought she had the wallet and was lying. He advised me to call the police.

So I did. 999 …

Is it an emergency? Well sort of, a one legged midget has my wallet….

They asked for my number and location: “I’m on the move dude …. I’m on her tail!”

We actually lost her a couple of times for a few minutes. First time we spotted her again, second time, she was gone. We were pissing ourselves. Two able bodied lads had lost a midget on crutches. In our defence, we had been boozing for a while. And she was small.

So we split up to search, and then two Filipina girls came up to me and asked if I was looking for a midget. I only am! They told me they had been watching us and the midget was in the tram queue. Hurry! If she gets on the tram you will have lost her! Cue my doing side to side stepping, arms outstretched in front of the tram entrance, blocking her from getting on. She crutched off again, I followed, telling everyone why I was following her.

Annnnyway, eventually a few more people surrounded her and helped out with the language and then wallet appeared from her pocket. Nothing missing! I thanked everyone, the midget got on a tram and I invited the two girls to come for a drink. But I’d forgotten about the coppers

They called me and I had to head to their van to give a statement. Told them what had happened and it was all good. Snippets of the convo:

Copper: You lost her?! (laughing)
Me: She’s was smaallllll!
Copper: what did she look like?
Me: It won’t be that hard to recognise her. Midget. One leg. Crutches. Balding.
Copper: Can I see your ID?
Me: Sure. Check that baby out. PR! Permie Res. Just got it the other week. Check the date see? Are you a PR? How about you?[to other copper] What about you?[to driver]

What a knob! Anyway, after a while I was free to go.

Me: OK thanks. Gonna head back to the pub now, what do you think I should go with…. more vodka? Or hit the whiskey?
Copper: Vodka
Me: Got it. Good thinking. Like it.

I thought it was brilliant. First off a copper taking the piss out of me, and then giving me boozing advice!

Back to the pub, thanks to The Touch, thanks to the bar staff. Story to everyone, at high speed. Multiple times.

Oh, then this weekend, we arrived at the same pub after having just been to the bank. I was with, er, Private Dancer Doris. Don’t ask. Sat down and checked wallet. No cash. I’d left it in the machine. PDD ran back and there was a lady there waiting for someone to realise that they had not picked up their money and come back for it. I love Hong Kong. The bar staff just called me a lucky bastard: Last week dropped wallet but lost nothing. This week leave money in an ATM and lose nothing!

Need to be a little more careful I think! But I dream of revelry.

so the time we shared
it was precious to me
all the while i was dreaming of revelry
dreaming of revelry