Ladies and Gentlemen: Our future ….

You will choose to stay at home, brother. For you will be able to do everything you need from your potato couch. You will be able to don your virtual helmet and experience the Revolution on 360 degree all-round CGI. You may choose to view as manga, or Hanna-Barbera, as the Hair-Bear bunch.

Because the Revolution will be televised.

The Revolution will be brought to you by Apple Mac or PC World, with Nokia and Motorola providing SMS updates. The Revolution will show pictures of hopefuls queuing overnight for the latest audition.

The Revolution will be sponsored by Gap, the Khaki-and-Camel collection, and it will star me, as you. You will play yourself, or Brad Pitt playing you. Or you, playing Brad Pitt, playing you.

The Revolution will be smoked, snorted, injected, chased or vapourised. It will be recorded on mini-DV and kept in the pocket. The Revolution will be digitised, then transferred to all available formats. It will appear on your favourite CD as the bonus track. You will be able to procure it cheap on VHS, or pay a little bit more for the extra footage on DVD. Betamax will be available for the old-school, who are more gun shoe than gumshoe, with their shell-toes and grips. The Revolution will shoot from the hip.

The Revolution will be scratched, spun back and sampled as a loop. It will appear as the red button on your remote control. The Revolution will operate a job-share, or flexi-time option, so you can have it at your leisure.

Because the Revolution will be digitised.

The Revolution will be permed, highlighted and set. It will have its own award ceremony, with the biggest winners unable to attend except for via live satellite link, because of their current Revolutionary commitments. The Revolution will be a teacup in a storm, or a bottle in a message, or a door to a key. The Revolution will always come with fries.

Because the Revolution will be televised.

The Revolution will be hard, my brothers, because it will use Viagra, camagra, Araldite-ing, hardening of the arteries, in order to fit inside Ronald’s Happy Meal box as the free gift. The Revolution will have a new twist, sponsored by Levi, with a sticker campaign written in an illegible graffiti-style font.

Because the Revolution will be advertised.

And pay-per-view will have a whole new meaning, brothers. The Revolution will be available for Gameboy this fall, and X-Box and Gamecube today. The Revolution will be televised, will be televised, will be televised, brothers.

Because the Revolution is alive.

[I’m trying to find out who wrote this, but I heard it on The Kleptones]