After three weeks of pretty much staying at home, I declared myself fit for ale at 6pm on Friday. My selfish mates had been out late on Thursday, so were not feeling it and only tentatively took to my “Different Drinks For Different Needs Tour”. “Lads, you’d be amazed at what the human body can take.” “You’ll be fine after six [pints].” etc.

However, things picked up once we hit the vodka jellies, TVRs and Shambles. Some points of note:

• TVRs (tequila vodka redbull) are utterly awful.
• The staff at Hardy’s couldn’t price the exotic structure that is a Shambles (vodka redbull champagne). “OK, three vodka redbulls, three champagnes and three spare glasses. Price that baby.”
• I can swallow a vodka jelly in one. Bit painful. Bit stupid. “Let me see if I can do it in one … hold on, do you know the Heimlich Manoeuvre?”

One of the staff at Hardy’s is called Doris. Brilliant. Well that’s what it sounded like. It’s actually Dhories. Somehow I ended up with her email address on a bit of paper in my pocket. I think it might be so I can send her this photo of her helping one of the lads out.

It was another great night for banter.

Re. Halloween and kids trick or treating:

“Is that kid begging?”

“So are they all Celtic decendants? Shouldn’t they be sweeping graves or climbing a hill or something? I hope they know they have to say a prayer for my soul if I give them something.”

Lookylikes and other spots:

“Is that the Chinese Larry King?”

“Have you seen Robbie Coltrane? Yep, noted. Ssshh, that’s Geoff’s boss. Look, he’s got to know, he’s not even making an attempt not to look like Coltrane!”

“Look at her!” (left side)

“Good hattage!“

Re. Filipino bands and singers:

“How they haven’t won Eurovision I just don’t know.”

Re. Chinese albinos

“Have you ever seen a Chinese albino? Yeah, that’s some crazy shit.”

Misc. photos:

Bali Bird
Badges 1
Badges 2
Lazza again
Shambles 1
Shambles 2
Shambles with beer

By around 1 or 2am, some guys went home, one guy couldn’t stand, I did a bit of karaoke, I turned into Trent from Swingers and put the word ‘baby’ on the end of every sentence.

“Vodka jelly baby” (geddit?)
“B and B, baby” (Banter and Birds)

etc. Tosser.

I decided to go home and waddled off down the hill, but bumped into Indo Poo Doris and her two mates, one of whom was fit, so I jumped in a cab with them to East Central. Nothing of note happened and I was home by 5am.

Saturday, woke up feeling remarkably good. A mate called at 4 and we agreed it was a good day for outdoor ales.

“Let’s go to Kowloon Park”
“That’s taking it too far, I’ll just open the window and have a bottle of Carlsberg”

In the end we met at Mes Amis had a couple there (doors open, it’s almost outdoors), then went to the old H.Q. — The Bridge, for some chicken adobo and banter. A few more lads arrived. Spotted the Larger Letter Box. Popped to The White Stag. Spotted Married Doris 1 looking fit. Recounted my teamwork story and discussed how long it takes birds with big carpets to lather them. “She must spend ages in the shower …. lathering”

A bit of Dust Till Dawn action, where the girls were dressed as cats and then we discovered the new H.Q — Chuan Bar Bar. So good they named it twice (or is it meant to be lucky?). It’s above 7-11 on Luard Road. Great vantage point. It has erotic artwork in the toilet too. Too many visors.

That was about it. Bit more food and home. Lots of people out dressed up, I went home and got a message from one of the lads:

“Maaaaaate, you missed the best outfit. Stunning bird in a nurse’s outfit. Fishnet stockings. Crotchless panties (probably)”